Its the love that counts. It sounds like something simple that we all have heard over and over again. Sometimes we can get so used to simply sayings we can forget how deep the message really is. It is the love that counts. Not to long ago I decided to check myself into a rehab for alcoholism. I felt that I was drinking entirely too much and was tired to going through the same old routine . One of the most valuable techniques I learned while as a patient in rehab is that the best self dialog to use when deciding what in life is worth it or not is " in five minutes, five hours or five years , will this matter >:
Wow. simple but so deep.
Sunday, April 15, 2018
Wednesday, November 11, 2015
I Am About To Spew
( Introduction to this post~ I wrote this about 6 months ago, just now ready to release it) I am about to spew onto this page the back up of spiritual vomit I have been collecting. Fear has ruined many days . I have spent many days in panic over things that people say and the things articles tell. I have been somewhat of a internet resident and many things on the internet can produce fear in my life. I battle fear as if it's the chick down the street (who presently is on my last nerve). Somethings and some people both try to over come me and it is easier to chase away a thief than it is fear. I can sabatoge myself hard and I am in a time of mourning because I did it again. I allowed what if to be bigger than what is. I vomit upon the empty page my failure so that God and it can take it away and it can be replaced once again with new perspective.
I moved here to PA motivated . My personal well being was my first priority and I was doing the things that started to show in my appearance. My skin starting really brightening and I could tell the weight was coming off. I was energetic and had self control at the table . Allowing myself to spend too much time in the presence of those entertaining sin and wrong thinking did more harm to me than it did good for them. I slowly lost my focus and became involved with the theories of others rather the truth in my Word and I let fear knock at my door. Next thing you know I am back at watching those internet videos about end world scenerios and such. I was watching videos on sudden weight loss could indicate you have cancer. That was it. I was dooped into a downward spiral of fear and self sabatoge at that very moment I questioned my weight loss as indication of disease and death instead of victory and triumph.
How pathetic is this ? I ask myself like , wow really ? What a moment of complete fear, I allowed my own thoughts to destroy what God was giving me. UUUUggghhhh !
It was a little difficult to come back to a place of complete surrender not because I am angry at God but I feel like it was would be easier to just be angry at him instead of come clean and admit in my soul how truly this shouldn't of happened because I knew better. I was aware of the chance Iwas taking when I decided to entertain undivine friendship with its hopes to deposit instead of inherit. I should always follow the direction of the holy Spirit because when I do things on my own I mess up hard.
Time to refocus and get back on my daily routine of taking my health seriously. My health is connected to whom i choose to let into my circle. I must stay focused on Him or else I can not function. I am to eager to jump on any emotional ban wagon is it is offered. I am so over the traveling through emotional moutains. I want it no longer.
So as I find myself once again comfortable in my dysfunction rather than my victory, I mustard up the courage to encourage myself to rebuke the fear and stay clear from all sources of it. Not all written articles are designed to be read by the believer and I acknowledge this completely. The only information I want going into my head is the knowledge and wisdom of God. I am completely eager to love on the ugliest of people. The ugly is what I am familiar with. Problem is God is leading me pass familiar and into unknown. I am scared because of the glare of glory shining in my face. Can I arise pass the equation that was designed to make me hate myself. Yes , Yes I can.. Yes I am.
I moved here to PA motivated . My personal well being was my first priority and I was doing the things that started to show in my appearance. My skin starting really brightening and I could tell the weight was coming off. I was energetic and had self control at the table . Allowing myself to spend too much time in the presence of those entertaining sin and wrong thinking did more harm to me than it did good for them. I slowly lost my focus and became involved with the theories of others rather the truth in my Word and I let fear knock at my door. Next thing you know I am back at watching those internet videos about end world scenerios and such. I was watching videos on sudden weight loss could indicate you have cancer. That was it. I was dooped into a downward spiral of fear and self sabatoge at that very moment I questioned my weight loss as indication of disease and death instead of victory and triumph.
How pathetic is this ? I ask myself like , wow really ? What a moment of complete fear, I allowed my own thoughts to destroy what God was giving me. UUUUggghhhh !
It was a little difficult to come back to a place of complete surrender not because I am angry at God but I feel like it was would be easier to just be angry at him instead of come clean and admit in my soul how truly this shouldn't of happened because I knew better. I was aware of the chance Iwas taking when I decided to entertain undivine friendship with its hopes to deposit instead of inherit. I should always follow the direction of the holy Spirit because when I do things on my own I mess up hard.
Time to refocus and get back on my daily routine of taking my health seriously. My health is connected to whom i choose to let into my circle. I must stay focused on Him or else I can not function. I am to eager to jump on any emotional ban wagon is it is offered. I am so over the traveling through emotional moutains. I want it no longer.
So as I find myself once again comfortable in my dysfunction rather than my victory, I mustard up the courage to encourage myself to rebuke the fear and stay clear from all sources of it. Not all written articles are designed to be read by the believer and I acknowledge this completely. The only information I want going into my head is the knowledge and wisdom of God. I am completely eager to love on the ugliest of people. The ugly is what I am familiar with. Problem is God is leading me pass familiar and into unknown. I am scared because of the glare of glory shining in my face. Can I arise pass the equation that was designed to make me hate myself. Yes , Yes I can.. Yes I am.
The Leather Jacket Testimony
God has given me so many reasons to fall in love with him. This one particular testimony is about my leather jacket. Back in the day when Bubble~up was alive and we were doing our Gangsta thang I had a job at a local store where they had a post office. One day a lady came in and tried to drop off a big box that was delivered to her but did not belong to her. I informed the lady there was a $5 drop off fee and she wouldn't be able to leave the box without paying the fee. She was so mad she just dropped the box and walked out. I took the box to my car and decided it was going to be mine whatever was inside of it . Man when I got home I was so happy because inside the box was little leather jacket , trench coat, long and smooth with classy buttons down the front. It was my size and I loved it. I wore that jacket everywhere I went when we were playing the game. That jacket became my statement piece and everyone would always say Jewels the one with the black jacket. I loved that jacket. I felt like at that time it was a gift from the game.
After many years of being in the game and almost loosing my life a few times I desperatly cried out to God. I asked him if he could get me out I would turn over my life to him. He answered my prayer and saved me from death, prison, disease. I was extracted from my destruction and set upon a safe place and He began to restore my life. After I had been married for a year and having my son Tj God called me into my closet of the new home Tony had just bought for our new family. God told me in my heart to throw that leather jacket away. It shouldn't even be in my present day closet being longed for by me because it was when i was skinny. That the jacket represented the old me and I would never need it again. I couldn't bring myself to do it . I walked away from the closet.
Time went before one day I found myself in the kitchen and I could hear the Holy Spirit speaking to me about that Jacket. God wanted it out . I longed so badly for God to be close that I decided to listen this time and I ran to the closet and grabbed the jacket. It was trash day in El Mirage, Az and I could hear the truck on our street. I had the jacket in my hands and my heart was pounding so hard. I loved this jacket, it had so many memories of my old life attached to it. Okay God , I trust you. I ran to the curb and tossed the jacket inside the can. Moments later the truck was at my house and the jacket was now gone forever. My heart was pounding as i slowly walked into my house and starting thinking of what I had just done in the early morning hours , thinking it was God talking to me.
The following morning the doorbell rang and I didn't know who it could be. When I answered the door there was this really cute , bubbly , Latina chicka named Annette standing there. She had a leather jacket in her arms. She introduced herself as Annette and she was my new neighbor. She wanted to let me know she had moved in and that she saw me and realized that this brand new leather jacket that she had come across was just my size. She wanted to give it to me as a gift and wanted to know if we could be friends. I am still friends with Annette to this day. She is a special friend to me because God brought us together. God at that time was flooding my whole street with his presence and people were being drawn together and becoming a story of grace. This is one of the examples of how he did so. This is my testimony. God asked me to get rid of something and then he replaced it with some better. My new leather jacket was beautiful, fur lined and was the perfect size.
After many years of being in the game and almost loosing my life a few times I desperatly cried out to God. I asked him if he could get me out I would turn over my life to him. He answered my prayer and saved me from death, prison, disease. I was extracted from my destruction and set upon a safe place and He began to restore my life. After I had been married for a year and having my son Tj God called me into my closet of the new home Tony had just bought for our new family. God told me in my heart to throw that leather jacket away. It shouldn't even be in my present day closet being longed for by me because it was when i was skinny. That the jacket represented the old me and I would never need it again. I couldn't bring myself to do it . I walked away from the closet.
Time went before one day I found myself in the kitchen and I could hear the Holy Spirit speaking to me about that Jacket. God wanted it out . I longed so badly for God to be close that I decided to listen this time and I ran to the closet and grabbed the jacket. It was trash day in El Mirage, Az and I could hear the truck on our street. I had the jacket in my hands and my heart was pounding so hard. I loved this jacket, it had so many memories of my old life attached to it. Okay God , I trust you. I ran to the curb and tossed the jacket inside the can. Moments later the truck was at my house and the jacket was now gone forever. My heart was pounding as i slowly walked into my house and starting thinking of what I had just done in the early morning hours , thinking it was God talking to me.
The following morning the doorbell rang and I didn't know who it could be. When I answered the door there was this really cute , bubbly , Latina chicka named Annette standing there. She had a leather jacket in her arms. She introduced herself as Annette and she was my new neighbor. She wanted to let me know she had moved in and that she saw me and realized that this brand new leather jacket that she had come across was just my size. She wanted to give it to me as a gift and wanted to know if we could be friends. I am still friends with Annette to this day. She is a special friend to me because God brought us together. God at that time was flooding my whole street with his presence and people were being drawn together and becoming a story of grace. This is one of the examples of how he did so. This is my testimony. God asked me to get rid of something and then he replaced it with some better. My new leather jacket was beautiful, fur lined and was the perfect size.
Tuesday, November 10, 2015
I am too tired to talk religion..
I am so tired of talking religion. I am so tired of reading blog posts on what does it truly mean to be a Christian. I am fed up with the opinions of some Christians on why they think other Christians are not living all that God has for them. Honestly I think if you are in a place where you don't feel as if your relationship with God can go any higher ,to the next step of enlightenment then your probably in more danger than the christians your talking about. Nothing can compare to the foul taste of spiritual death stank than that of a self righteous person. Come on now, we all have to much to say about what other people are doing. Last time I checked it was Jesus on the cross not you. I watch the news and I watch the news feed. Since when did we really start reporting tweets ?? Seriously ?
I tell you what I will make a deal with you . If your in my life and I am in yours then let's not talk about religion. Let's not talk about how we should be. Lets just be. Let's spend our time together doing things like going out to eat or shopping or gardening or baking. I am going to see you and you will see me. We will witness each other's character. I will observe how you treat other people that cross our paths and you will do so with me. We will have the opportunities through out each day to be either kind or self ish. It is nothing you can do to eliminate the fact that you share this world with other people right outside your door or on the other side of your living room wall. I think all of us would love to live on an exotic island alone but truth is it's not going to happen. We are not alone in this world or in this life. We may feel alone but we are not alone. The world is booming with people. Poor , rich, homeless, stuck up, moody, hateful, evil, beautiful, poetic, random, hyper, young , innocent , the list goes on and on of the people we share this life with. So let's keep this straight... l don't want to sit around and talk your religion with you... I wannna stir around some people and see how you treat people , to me that is your religion.
Stop talking about it and start being about it. Who you ask? , well the first person every morning who you should be a blessing to is yourself. Encourage that person because that's the first place grace should be effective. Too much talking. Too many mouths and not enough hands. Too many weapons and not enough ears. Too many wants and not enough giving. Too many victims and not enough heroes.
I am tired of listening to those who talk and then treat you like they don't know you when they are finished. I am tired of hearing and not seeing.. How you treat a people is your religion.
I tell you what I will make a deal with you . If your in my life and I am in yours then let's not talk about religion. Let's not talk about how we should be. Lets just be. Let's spend our time together doing things like going out to eat or shopping or gardening or baking. I am going to see you and you will see me. We will witness each other's character. I will observe how you treat other people that cross our paths and you will do so with me. We will have the opportunities through out each day to be either kind or self ish. It is nothing you can do to eliminate the fact that you share this world with other people right outside your door or on the other side of your living room wall. I think all of us would love to live on an exotic island alone but truth is it's not going to happen. We are not alone in this world or in this life. We may feel alone but we are not alone. The world is booming with people. Poor , rich, homeless, stuck up, moody, hateful, evil, beautiful, poetic, random, hyper, young , innocent , the list goes on and on of the people we share this life with. So let's keep this straight... l don't want to sit around and talk your religion with you... I wannna stir around some people and see how you treat people , to me that is your religion.
Stop talking about it and start being about it. Who you ask? , well the first person every morning who you should be a blessing to is yourself. Encourage that person because that's the first place grace should be effective. Too much talking. Too many mouths and not enough hands. Too many weapons and not enough ears. Too many wants and not enough giving. Too many victims and not enough heroes.
I am tired of listening to those who talk and then treat you like they don't know you when they are finished. I am tired of hearing and not seeing.. How you treat a people is your religion.
Sunday, August 2, 2015
The Lord Just Revealed To Me, A Little Piece of Myself.
Glory to God !! I love the way He communicates to me. I love that he speaks to me about me in such a way that I am loving myself more and more as I learn to stop holding a grudge against myself for my humanity. I haven't been writing as much because I have been going through some rather petty situations with a heavy spiritual reality. Simple situations turned heavy in the heart because spiritually I am quietly screwing up. I allowed my heart and my feelings to take charge without realizing my faith and my relationship to my Lord was taking backstage. It was a loss of perspective in simple terms but for me it was more than that, it was failure. Weighed heavy on me.
I have always been an investigator and believer of the connections between physical realities and spiritual ones being one in the same in every possible way. I look for them. I search for them. I do it in my life and in others. This truth is never been proven wrong in my experience. The Lord has used this in my life in great lengths and this morning he has once again marveled me. It is a great thing to begin to know yourself. For so many years I knew my habits and my addictions and I allowed them to define me, but that wasn't knowing myself. I am beginning to realize who Julie is and in fact I do love her. I love me. I am created by the one who is worthy and He calls me his. He will help me in the process of knowing who I am so that I can follow him always . He is My Savior.
About 8 months ago I got a job for the first time in 8 years. I loved it. I wanted to be there so genuinely. I was Blessed to be able to take on this part time job as a Hostess at a steak house. I was determined to be the light. To shine for Christ. To be happy and motivated . To help and serve others as much as I could for the 20 hours I was there. It was great. Months passed and settled into a routine. After being picked on by a bully a few times and then the stress of a 40 hour a week I burst out into the old Jewels just long enough to let this bully know I am tired, and I am done with you talking to me this way ! It felt good to slightly go into a rage letting it out upon the one who made it worse for me. After I successfully won the respect of my bully I started to get caught up in the rumor mill that was spinning 247 at my job. I never really was apart of it before I snapped on that bully. Afterwards I had so many conversations about the victory myself pride claimed by dishing out a good verbal ass woopin, I slowly began talking about other situations between other people.I had way too many conversations with too many people and one of those people who started a conversation with me about some other people got me pissed off just enough that i said some things I shouldn't of said and some good people's feelings got hurt. That small little change in my attitude(Me and the bully , which was a good thing if you think about it because who doesn't believe in standing up for yourself) That little switch of perspective was a loss of spiritual truth for me. I stopped looking to my savior and started looking at my short comings, my tiredness, my nerves, my stresses.
I have been beating myself up lately over how badly I messed up. I can go into mad details of how something so small like a little gossip could weigh so heavy on the shoulders of a believer but I think we all know gossip never ends well. I am sorry Lord. Last few weekends I have been catching on line services of church from my home church FLC. I have been worshiping and praising even though on the inside I feel so worthless.
This morning I woke up fresh. Church on line last night was amazing.I went to church believing for a true encounter with the Lord. <3 He never fails to amaze me. I woke up this morning and it was the most beautiful morning ever. I sat out in the morning air drinking my coffee and didn't even realize the Lord was going to speak to me in such a way I can love myself and understand who I am in deeper way and no longer have to feel bad about my mistakes but value it because the conversation we are having is worth every bit of trial.
Every morning I get up and do something around the house. I don't have a routine of house work. I just kind wonder around and tackle whatever I feel led to you or irritated by. Sometimes it in the kitchen and other times its cleaning the rooms. What ever it is I do , I always doing something. So this morning I cleaned my windows . Opened up the blinds and pushed back curtains. I opened up and let the sun in. I was admiring how beautiful the windows are and didn't even seem to care about the dishes laying all over or the laundry piling up in the bathrooms. The House isn't that clean but the joy of these windows is so great. Lord tell me..
For me my physical and spiritual truths are like this
Cleaning windows and opening up = Fresh aligning of my perspective to my Savior. I am rearranging my thoughts and my beliefs to that of what my Lord is saying about me and others. Acting as if the word of my lord is my one and only truth.
When I am upset at the dirtiness of the floors in my house, madly sweeping and complaining about the filth = I am looking inward. I am focused on the junk of my own failures. I am beating myself up for the filth that is just lying around being noticed and felt when walked upon it.
Dishes, when I am frantically collecting everyone's dishes and washing them = I am focused on the short comings of others. I am looking at the little things they do and leave in my way and it just gross and I would want to impose my request upon them to please clean that up.
Food = When I want to just love on people because I am feeling good and walking in the knowledge of The Lord's favor in my life.. I cook them food. I cook alot of food for as many ppl who want to eat. I create love on a plate.
Laundry, when I am feeling overwhelmed by laundry and complaining and hating the laundry = This is usually because I am struggling with the needs of others. I have not maintained a balance between serving and personal feeding. I am out weighed and need to take a moment .
Lord I would of never thought of my daily stuff this way. I always thought my way of tackling the work here at home was nothing of value. ,, but now I can look at my current human feelings and truths to cut straight to the heart issue that can make that feeling align up with my Lord. I can cut to the chase and get some perspective. I am not sure if this type of writing really does anything but I do know that the conversation I am having with the lord is real and it is awesome because i love being able to write or type the words " I think I might be kinda cool. I really like who I am. " I have had so many struggles and if he can do for me what he has done , then he can do for you more than you could ever imagine. The Lord Jesus Christ is truly our Savior but He is our friend.
What Ever it is .. Don't give up Jesus. Let him in. He has a way of speaking.
I have always been an investigator and believer of the connections between physical realities and spiritual ones being one in the same in every possible way. I look for them. I search for them. I do it in my life and in others. This truth is never been proven wrong in my experience. The Lord has used this in my life in great lengths and this morning he has once again marveled me. It is a great thing to begin to know yourself. For so many years I knew my habits and my addictions and I allowed them to define me, but that wasn't knowing myself. I am beginning to realize who Julie is and in fact I do love her. I love me. I am created by the one who is worthy and He calls me his. He will help me in the process of knowing who I am so that I can follow him always . He is My Savior.
About 8 months ago I got a job for the first time in 8 years. I loved it. I wanted to be there so genuinely. I was Blessed to be able to take on this part time job as a Hostess at a steak house. I was determined to be the light. To shine for Christ. To be happy and motivated . To help and serve others as much as I could for the 20 hours I was there. It was great. Months passed and settled into a routine. After being picked on by a bully a few times and then the stress of a 40 hour a week I burst out into the old Jewels just long enough to let this bully know I am tired, and I am done with you talking to me this way ! It felt good to slightly go into a rage letting it out upon the one who made it worse for me. After I successfully won the respect of my bully I started to get caught up in the rumor mill that was spinning 247 at my job. I never really was apart of it before I snapped on that bully. Afterwards I had so many conversations about the victory myself pride claimed by dishing out a good verbal ass woopin, I slowly began talking about other situations between other people.I had way too many conversations with too many people and one of those people who started a conversation with me about some other people got me pissed off just enough that i said some things I shouldn't of said and some good people's feelings got hurt. That small little change in my attitude(Me and the bully , which was a good thing if you think about it because who doesn't believe in standing up for yourself) That little switch of perspective was a loss of spiritual truth for me. I stopped looking to my savior and started looking at my short comings, my tiredness, my nerves, my stresses.
I have been beating myself up lately over how badly I messed up. I can go into mad details of how something so small like a little gossip could weigh so heavy on the shoulders of a believer but I think we all know gossip never ends well. I am sorry Lord. Last few weekends I have been catching on line services of church from my home church FLC. I have been worshiping and praising even though on the inside I feel so worthless.
This morning I woke up fresh. Church on line last night was amazing.I went to church believing for a true encounter with the Lord. <3 He never fails to amaze me. I woke up this morning and it was the most beautiful morning ever. I sat out in the morning air drinking my coffee and didn't even realize the Lord was going to speak to me in such a way I can love myself and understand who I am in deeper way and no longer have to feel bad about my mistakes but value it because the conversation we are having is worth every bit of trial.
Every morning I get up and do something around the house. I don't have a routine of house work. I just kind wonder around and tackle whatever I feel led to you or irritated by. Sometimes it in the kitchen and other times its cleaning the rooms. What ever it is I do , I always doing something. So this morning I cleaned my windows . Opened up the blinds and pushed back curtains. I opened up and let the sun in. I was admiring how beautiful the windows are and didn't even seem to care about the dishes laying all over or the laundry piling up in the bathrooms. The House isn't that clean but the joy of these windows is so great. Lord tell me..
Cleaning windows and opening up = Fresh aligning of my perspective to my Savior. I am rearranging my thoughts and my beliefs to that of what my Lord is saying about me and others. Acting as if the word of my lord is my one and only truth.
When I am upset at the dirtiness of the floors in my house, madly sweeping and complaining about the filth = I am looking inward. I am focused on the junk of my own failures. I am beating myself up for the filth that is just lying around being noticed and felt when walked upon it.
Dishes, when I am frantically collecting everyone's dishes and washing them = I am focused on the short comings of others. I am looking at the little things they do and leave in my way and it just gross and I would want to impose my request upon them to please clean that up.
Food = When I want to just love on people because I am feeling good and walking in the knowledge of The Lord's favor in my life.. I cook them food. I cook alot of food for as many ppl who want to eat. I create love on a plate.
Laundry, when I am feeling overwhelmed by laundry and complaining and hating the laundry = This is usually because I am struggling with the needs of others. I have not maintained a balance between serving and personal feeding. I am out weighed and need to take a moment .
Wow.
Lord I would of never thought of my daily stuff this way. I always thought my way of tackling the work here at home was nothing of value. ,, but now I can look at my current human feelings and truths to cut straight to the heart issue that can make that feeling align up with my Lord. I can cut to the chase and get some perspective. I am not sure if this type of writing really does anything but I do know that the conversation I am having with the lord is real and it is awesome because i love being able to write or type the words " I think I might be kinda cool. I really like who I am. " I have had so many struggles and if he can do for me what he has done , then he can do for you more than you could ever imagine. The Lord Jesus Christ is truly our Savior but He is our friend.
What Ever it is .. Don't give up Jesus. Let him in. He has a way of speaking.
Saturday, May 23, 2015
Why Do We Criticize ?
First and foremost I would like to express this is not my attempt to smear anyone's image especially that of my Grandmother who recently passed. I love my life and all who are in it. She was in my life. For years I resented her because she was so critical of me. She would say things that were embarrassing and do it in front of other people. She would speak of me as an uneducated looser because I didn't go to college. She spoke badly at my decision to have bi racial children and the choices i had made alone my journey. None of it ever helped. All of it made it worse and it pushed me away from my family. I wanted nothing to do with her. She was mean and I couldn't take it anymore.
As she grew older she learned how to put away some of the insults but never the less she always followed through with getting one jab in or maybe two , She was a critic of habit. It was always the same thing, my weight, my education, and my choices. After that wasn't much left of me to criticize. I had grown older and was better at blocking the insults but it still was not what I had wished it to be.
As she grew older she became old and frail. She was shrinking into nothing but yet her mental presence was so strong. The last time we spoke she was so kind to me. She told me how often she thinks of me and how she loves me so. She played the harmonica for me and it was the sweetest sound ever. She didn't criticize me not one time. In all those years she had the biggest impact on me in this one final moment where she lay the criticizing down and just loved me. She put such a tug on my heart that when she finally did go just a few weeks later I was sad., I felt a weight as if she had never been who she really was in my life. One short moment of unconditional love made up for a lifetime of criticizing.
Why do it ??> Why do we criticize those we love ?? Is that we are just thinking out loud and all of our opinions of others find it their duty to be known ?? We limit our influence greatly when we criticize. You say your trying to help, well that is a bunch of crap. Criticizing is not helping. Fortunately for my Grandmother she was given the time to remove the bad with the good but not everyone gets that chance. Maybe this is the good that can come out of the bad in this story ... that one of you who reads this and realizes they have been to critical of a loved one. Don't send that temptation is reverse and begin to criticize yourself for being critical of others.. Just recognize and make some adjustments and keep it moving. I love my Grandmother and I am thankful that she taught me valuable lesson. I don't want to push the people I love away from me. I want people to feel loved by me. I want to create memories of value in the lives of others. I want to be as gentle as I can.
As she grew older she learned how to put away some of the insults but never the less she always followed through with getting one jab in or maybe two , She was a critic of habit. It was always the same thing, my weight, my education, and my choices. After that wasn't much left of me to criticize. I had grown older and was better at blocking the insults but it still was not what I had wished it to be.
As she grew older she became old and frail. She was shrinking into nothing but yet her mental presence was so strong. The last time we spoke she was so kind to me. She told me how often she thinks of me and how she loves me so. She played the harmonica for me and it was the sweetest sound ever. She didn't criticize me not one time. In all those years she had the biggest impact on me in this one final moment where she lay the criticizing down and just loved me. She put such a tug on my heart that when she finally did go just a few weeks later I was sad., I felt a weight as if she had never been who she really was in my life. One short moment of unconditional love made up for a lifetime of criticizing.
Why do it ??> Why do we criticize those we love ?? Is that we are just thinking out loud and all of our opinions of others find it their duty to be known ?? We limit our influence greatly when we criticize. You say your trying to help, well that is a bunch of crap. Criticizing is not helping. Fortunately for my Grandmother she was given the time to remove the bad with the good but not everyone gets that chance. Maybe this is the good that can come out of the bad in this story ... that one of you who reads this and realizes they have been to critical of a loved one. Don't send that temptation is reverse and begin to criticize yourself for being critical of others.. Just recognize and make some adjustments and keep it moving. I love my Grandmother and I am thankful that she taught me valuable lesson. I don't want to push the people I love away from me. I want people to feel loved by me. I want to create memories of value in the lives of others. I want to be as gentle as I can.
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
What , No Applause?
Living with the desire to be an inspiration does not give you a place on the stage you can view the audience. We must realize our goal is not to send them away talking and ranting about our talent,our goal is to send them away thinking and considering and growing. An applause is not always the biggest reward, it's just the one we think should show up first. It's okay to have felt this way, we are human. Basic humanity will present itself in all people , don't be ashamed or embarrassed. Recognize and keep it moving. We understand as we write in vulnerability and rawness and even with profanity we are baring our personal emotions and truths in hopes that we can help others and in the process help ourselves because it's upon the people whom understand our writing that we find reward. We must make a choice. If we are going to do this ~ If we are going to write and blog and use it as our kingdom given gift then we make the choice to never stay in the place of looking for our audience. We do what we do for an audience of 1 ! His name is Lord. Don't let the flesh play a trick on you. W ether or not people are commenting and or talking doesn't mean your not getting people to spend time quietly thinking about the things you wrote about. Isn't that a bigger reward ?? Stay motivated. These words I didn't write for you , I wrote them to myself in my head when I first created Writers Lounge. I had too, I was so full of fear I would invite all these folks over and they would leave laughing at me, talking about my ghetto talk ,, my improper English and why i sound black. I hate that by the way. Oh well anyways.. we write because we know God is in our everything. All up in it. He is 100% in my life in every part. When i spend time writing about my life good or bad i know that after a collection has been made and one is to look back and read the words .. I expect to see one thing.. Not a great story written by me .. But God's Glory Given to me and how it carried me through my life.
If your feeling down and out about yourself let me encourage you !! Unless God has said somewhere or wrote you a note somewhere saying he doesn't love you anymore then nothing has changed to the promises that got you excited in the beginning. Time is not of the concern on the lords part. He knows and he has set aside for you the time on the mountain top just as he has set aside for the character building valleys. I have seen so many valleys in my life but it doesn't compare to the favor that has been found upon me. If your putting yourself out there for the greater good of the kingdom, oh the victory you are gathering is greater than your mind can even fathom. When doubt is finally defeated and your mind is clear to receive , the story will start coming together and the ends will meet and be tied. The harvest will be abundant and the gifts are great in the amount given to others. It will over flow. Enjoy your valleys because you know He will show up and it will be obvious who He is. He is great at capturing the spot light. Live free and have the courage to love yourself because he made all things beautiful <3 And how ever you share yourself , through writing or talking, speaking, dancing, giving.. do it.. Do more of it. Do it and love it. do it and know you are in good company of all sorts of people whom are doing it and wanna see you make it !!!
If your feeling down and out about yourself let me encourage you !! Unless God has said somewhere or wrote you a note somewhere saying he doesn't love you anymore then nothing has changed to the promises that got you excited in the beginning. Time is not of the concern on the lords part. He knows and he has set aside for you the time on the mountain top just as he has set aside for the character building valleys. I have seen so many valleys in my life but it doesn't compare to the favor that has been found upon me. If your putting yourself out there for the greater good of the kingdom, oh the victory you are gathering is greater than your mind can even fathom. When doubt is finally defeated and your mind is clear to receive , the story will start coming together and the ends will meet and be tied. The harvest will be abundant and the gifts are great in the amount given to others. It will over flow. Enjoy your valleys because you know He will show up and it will be obvious who He is. He is great at capturing the spot light. Live free and have the courage to love yourself because he made all things beautiful <3 And how ever you share yourself , through writing or talking, speaking, dancing, giving.. do it.. Do more of it. Do it and love it. do it and know you are in good company of all sorts of people whom are doing it and wanna see you make it !!!
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