RANTINGS OF MY MIND

There is a drive ,,, driving me to the bottom
There is a desire ,,,, keeping me from the bottom

My drive is opposite of my desire...
My drive is of disaster.
My desire is of heaven


since when did i become backwards
everything about me is opposite
my life is grey
not black
not white
but grey
i live inside the blurred lines
of not spoken or unseen
i am the invisible person of suffering

i do it a quiet
i do it without much effort
i am miserable
i am lost

WAIT....


i am not lost
i have been found

i am suffering in the longing of my flesh

the spirit of who i am
is soaring
high above
the consciousness of my skin
i am living only within
i die  slow
i am needing a convert
to help
my hands find the path
to the place my heart rest

i am a child
who was told
not all people
were meant to be saved
they told me this
as they let me go
in the abyss
of rape and molestation
and now its back again
telling me
i am not worthy to be saved
it is a lie
its a lie
the devil is grinning
while my soul is longing
someone show my skin
the truth that my heart holds within

i am lost
i am un worthy to be found
some people were  meant for misery
thats what they said all around

i am not she who you speak of
i am a child of God
i will not accept your lies
even though my skin despise
who i am on the inside

i will not settle for this day
i will escape it some way
my friends are my family
through Christ it is so
i reach to them
and their prayers help me grow
pass you and this day of lies
pass this day of miserable ,,, let it die

i am alive
you can't stop me
i am on top
you are on the bottom
i am alive
you are doomed and a lie
i dont beleive you anymore
go away and die
oh wait you are that what the story says
in the end
im alive
and devil
you are the one
dead

The Devils Lie

my head is spinning
I can't fall down
Im stuck in this dance
of keeping my feet on the ground

My hands are shaking
This sober reality is faking
I wanna go back and see my bottle
but to the dooms i throttle

my head is spinning
i can not find my sleep
i am sick of the demons
steadily after me in a slow creep

I do , I do , I call on his name
but the horror of my choices are to blame
he can't go and make me do anything
its my heart i must bring

but who has a heart that is ready
im all good and i hear pastor freddy
but me, really im not sure
my greatest fear is to burn

what about that smoke
it tastes so good that first toke
is it wrong, i dont know
i just need it , and it grows

all these things i have in mind
things that were true in that time
but its a new day
why cant my behavior see it that way

whats so new about it
im still all jacked up
I dont wanna give up
I dont think i know how to give up
Jesus is holding me and i cant give up



okay so here we go again
today is here, and today is not my friend
the liquor store is just around the corner
and the guy at the bar is busting a boner

pour me a drink
and in sin i wanna sink
no wait , this is not true
i have been made anew

oh man i am going crazy
best way to beat it is to be lazy
if i never leave my room
then i wont find the pending doom

as soon as i wake
my mind goes to what  should i  take
a pill, a shot and toke of a joint
what is this poems point ??

who knows
devils says im still a hoe
but this is so long ago
yet my mind screams
your still a hoe

i fight it, i fight it
i dont want you here in my thoughts
my life has  been paid for and bought

who are you devil to say what i am
I rebuke you and all your stout
i cant be with you and be about
all that was
no longer is
this is the spirit and his biz

i am free
of you
of me
i am about
all he sees

let me go
you must flee
i dont need a bottle
or any weed

i am loved
i am adored
i am closing this door
of bad thoughts
and regrets of mistakes
im gonna choose life
and all of it's takes

My head is spinning
i can't fall down
i have come to far
to give up now

I move on and to another day
i am gonna read my word all the way
to heavens' gate i will go
and devil your lie
cuz i ain't no hoe !

Too Much Stuff

We have too much
If what we struggle is trust
As a people of this great nation
we are  excercising the right to wasting
we want so much
never ending cycle of buying
throwing away ha'f 
watching the others crying
commercials of those dying for food
we change the channel ~

Wheres the good
that once stood
on the corner in every street
Old school ways 
 were simple and sweet
people of respect
dignity 
integrity

where have we lost being the light
standing in line prepared to fight
over a tv, a lap top , a radio
while babies in other places  die from mosquitoes
children with no clean water
a daddy abusing his daughter
young kids dying of cancer
girls mistaking a boy for a man
men wanting girls over women
it doesn't end
it goes and continues
with or without us
it continues
on the road of darkness
who is the light~

we have to much
 we are with too much

we need to put the stuff down
look around

touch something real
share a thought 
its a very big deal

become species of kindness

first we recognize the fright , it';s in their eyes
oh yes they put on a big disguise
all tuff and bad and bold
truth is they easy to fold
how is that right, in my age i can see
some unconditional love is needed
but my stuff, they want my stuff ~

we have to much stuff
we are over stimuli zed
life is best when simple
small of places of living
people become more giving~

living hard
creates a cord
we have too much stuff~

im letting go
i want to know
what it is to not have stuff
but to know and be known~

investing in value
of people
in young people
in old people
in all people
people~

we are his delight
we are his heart
but we have to much~

sharing games and digits
never mentioning the secrets
of heaven and all its glory
never ending story
we have too much stuff

Missing the Listening

I have moved out of that place

where someones speaking

 was my right to tweeking

into what the me

 and I, am all about

frustration,

 duh without a doubt!

this class slid in on the down low

took a certain kind of character;

 to give me the show

, you have the learned, now just keep what you earned

quiet, be slow to speak

active listen 

and

 no longer will you just seek

gently sliding in to a place;

 a time, a soul keeps within

their story ,their life

through silence i can feel their fight

let go of my thoughts

 find the color of their eyes 

look pass the human disguise

listen hard , find the tone, see the color

im in in the vibe of your wonder

your voice has become a touch

the pain and hurt you speak of

its sticks, it grinds,

 it over whelms me 

i know the longing of a lonely heart

i spent half my life playing that part~

wait, there I go thinking it's about what i know

slow down,

 find the color and wonder

 and see again

that these experiences ,belong to my friend

i dont relate your pain to mine

you suffered your own time

I am there , imagining the shoes you wore

the life you had

your joys of great memories

and the summers that made you sad

my friend, my friend

The story has been hard, but the story is still being written

there is a happy ending for you it is written

i will hold your hand and see past the common man

i know your armor and i know your heart

this is why our friendship has been set apart

God taught me how to listen,To be your friend , 

too many others are missing the listening

to those whom have moved me into a different place

by sharing with me your hidden face

i am your audience of life, of cheer, of a fellow human right here

i know the ONE whom  Died, The living Christ

and He is  here, He is holding your other Hand

And to sum it up 

that is what the Gospel is in short demand

Love, so that they may know your are mine!!!!!

this is why God gave me the gift to stand by your side

to not turn away , based on the life you claim 

Someone should of stood up and made a point to say "what a crying shame,!!

 that some would throw the book at you in Starbucks domain"

that was public display ;

of the enemy having his way

The Streets that smelled like dryer sheets.

     It is a beautiful November morning here on the East Coast. Fall is displaying her best ! The air is crisp and chilly while the sun shines brightly . I couldn't help myself, despite the cold I just had to go for a walk. The blue skies were calling my name. The freedom of being able to move throughout the neighborhood filled with trees, and squirrels is spiritual food for me.
     I noticed this morning particular smells in the air. Different scents strong in freshness. As I would walk down the street I would encounter two or three different areas where the scents varied and touched each other. It made me stop and breath slow. I wanted that moment to be burned into my memory. It was glorious. The whole moment was complete in timing and experience.
      I found myself searching for the smells. It took about 20 mins and then it hit me . The smell was coming from the dryer vents in people's homes. The smell was a variety of dryer sheets and softeners being blasted into the cold air through an exhaust on a clothes dryer. What a beautiful metaphor for the joy of a Christian.
     When a christian walks in the joy of the Lord it releases a smell into the environment that is so sweet and noticeable in a cold world. May the people that walk by me or  interact with me during my day be attracted to the scent of kindness coming from me. May the people notice the refreshing scent of positive conversation. It is a beautiful morning here on the East Coast and because of dryer sheets I am motivated to reach my highest level of joy and peace in my day today. How about you ??  Will you join me ??

The I am in me

     Recently I have been going through alot of changes regarding my spirit self. I have been encouraged and challenged by God and a few motivational peers to accept and fully love myself. This has been eye opening. I didn't realize how much I was putting myself through the ringer. I have often struggled with standing up for myself and feeling secure in who I have become through Christ. I was speaking to the Lord about this and I had a moment of revelation. 
     My first tormenting question I had in my head growing up and through most of my young life was "Who or what Am I ?" I remember as a child this thought would haunt  me because I had no idea where I came from or why I was here in this place. After I gave my heart to the Lord he starting filling in the missing pieces of that question. I was so relieved and fulfilled when this question stopped haunting me and started defining me. I am a child of the Most High. I am a daughter of the risen king. I am loved and adored by the maker of the universe. Wow! This is awesome. With some time I became more and more comfortable in my new identity. 
     Just the other day as I was speaking to the Lord , I was tempted to once again put myself down and question who I am. After negative comments made to me by family members I was so quick to abandon my place in the kingdom out of insecurities that maybe what these people are saying is true. 
     God said this to me . My name is  "I AM".  When you choose to put that what or who in front of my name you are creating a space and satan will try to fill that space with his ideas. When you say " I hate or dislike who I am" you are taking my name and stealing from it, but when you say things like " I love who I am " or " I like who I am " then you are  joining yourself to me in all it's fullness. What a sneaky enemy we have. That satan would steal away from God's authority by simply having me question who I am... I am who he says I am. Me as a person is me plus him in all his goodness. I am happy. I am well. I am loved. I am confident. I am with self control and patience. I am Julie. ( Notice that this little sentence is more than just sharing or stating my name, It is my name but first it is His Name) Thank you Lord. I shall never use your name to question anything about myself again. I praise you the Great I AM !!! And I am so thankful that when defining myself I first get to state your great name. I am ok. I am successful. I am making an impact. I am here on purpose. I Am free to be me .

God Said "Don't You Remember?"

        I once sat in a church service where a pastor said " It doesn't matter how many past encounters you have had with God, if He is not doing anything in your life now maybe you have just lost your Salvation ." This messed me up big time. In the beginning of my journey with Jesus I was experiencing super natural things. Stuff that just isn't normal. But it was real and it was all God. Everyone stepping out and responding to the voice of God and when the walls fell and we where all standing there with a story, our stories fit together like a lego house. So many people and together we build a house of testimony.
         I reject what that one pastor said that one morning. It is not true to me. God has been asking me if I remember a time back in early , early life where I found the 20 dollars ? I remember. Not only did God move greatly that day, I had total faith that day. 
          There was one weekend when I was young I went to church. This trucker shared the gospel with me. He was intrigued by me. He looked at me so excited to share Jesus with me as if he knew one day I would be on fire for Jesus. I believed him then and I still believe him now.Jesus loves me. 
             Well the first time I prayed to God something really wonderful happened. Me and my best friend went to the mall. Local hang out. We lived right across the street from the mall. I was so embarrassed because I had no money to spend. Our thing was Burger King and arcade. My best friend was becoming more popular than me the older we got. She kept getting prettier and I kept getting dorkier. Just happened that way. On that day she was kinda irritated with me because I had no money. She didn't want to share with me when we ate or went to arcade. I remember feeling really awkward and strange about the feeling I had over this. I prayed. I said God I know your real and this is something maybe i can talk to you about. I believe. And I really did believe. I remember, I was without doubt . I told him what was going on. Well as we went to Burger King , a new chocolate factory had opened up just a few doors down. They were giving away free chocolate covered strawberries. Of course we hurried up over there. Wow these things were good and free ! There was such a large crowd of folks. As the people began to leave I looked down and had noticed a twenty dollar bill on the floor . I picked up and immediately began asking people if they had lost it . No one wanted it. Everyone just kept telling me maybe i should keep it because they didn't loose it. So I stood there with a $20 and in a split second my heart dropped into stomach like I was on a roller coaster. I closed my eyes and said Hello to my Daddy. God had spoke that day to me , showed me supernatural ability. Favor and Grace . It was our first encounter and he left a experience so raw and real that he is using it today to remind me not if I remember his power but can I recall the faith of that day. And my answer to the Lord is yes , but how do I get back there ? I am challenged with fear sometimes and it tries to rob me of my faith. I cannot be in a panic attack worried about the nation, our economy, our food supplies  while believing God for all these things. It is two separate worlds. So i pray.  And the Lord says " Don't you remember Julie, without a doubt,, without a doubt !"  ..... So I push into God these past few days as our government shuts down . Pushing into him to escape the heaviness of living in fear. Perfect love cast out all fear. So I share this as a way to let it out and let it comfort another who might understand this.