I have always been an investigator and believer of the connections between physical realities and spiritual ones being one in the same in every possible way. I look for them. I search for them. I do it in my life and in others. This truth is never been proven wrong in my experience. The Lord has used this in my life in great lengths and this morning he has once again marveled me. It is a great thing to begin to know yourself. For so many years I knew my habits and my addictions and I allowed them to define me, but that wasn't knowing myself. I am beginning to realize who Julie is and in fact I do love her. I love me. I am created by the one who is worthy and He calls me his. He will help me in the process of knowing who I am so that I can follow him always . He is My Savior.
About 8 months ago I got a job for the first time in 8 years. I loved it. I wanted to be there so genuinely. I was Blessed to be able to take on this part time job as a Hostess at a steak house. I was determined to be the light. To shine for Christ. To be happy and motivated . To help and serve others as much as I could for the 20 hours I was there. It was great. Months passed and settled into a routine. After being picked on by a bully a few times and then the stress of a 40 hour a week I burst out into the old Jewels just long enough to let this bully know I am tired, and I am done with you talking to me this way ! It felt good to slightly go into a rage letting it out upon the one who made it worse for me. After I successfully won the respect of my bully I started to get caught up in the rumor mill that was spinning 247 at my job. I never really was apart of it before I snapped on that bully. Afterwards I had so many conversations about the victory myself pride claimed by dishing out a good verbal ass woopin, I slowly began talking about other situations between other people.I had way too many conversations with too many people and one of those people who started a conversation with me about some other people got me pissed off just enough that i said some things I shouldn't of said and some good people's feelings got hurt. That small little change in my attitude(Me and the bully , which was a good thing if you think about it because who doesn't believe in standing up for yourself) That little switch of perspective was a loss of spiritual truth for me. I stopped looking to my savior and started looking at my short comings, my tiredness, my nerves, my stresses.
I have been beating myself up lately over how badly I messed up. I can go into mad details of how something so small like a little gossip could weigh so heavy on the shoulders of a believer but I think we all know gossip never ends well. I am sorry Lord. Last few weekends I have been catching on line services of church from my home church FLC. I have been worshiping and praising even though on the inside I feel so worthless.
This morning I woke up fresh. Church on line last night was amazing.I went to church believing for a true encounter with the Lord. <3 He never fails to amaze me. I woke up this morning and it was the most beautiful morning ever. I sat out in the morning air drinking my coffee and didn't even realize the Lord was going to speak to me in such a way I can love myself and understand who I am in deeper way and no longer have to feel bad about my mistakes but value it because the conversation we are having is worth every bit of trial.
Every morning I get up and do something around the house. I don't have a routine of house work. I just kind wonder around and tackle whatever I feel led to you or irritated by. Sometimes it in the kitchen and other times its cleaning the rooms. What ever it is I do , I always doing something. So this morning I cleaned my windows . Opened up the blinds and pushed back curtains. I opened up and let the sun in. I was admiring how beautiful the windows are and didn't even seem to care about the dishes laying all over or the laundry piling up in the bathrooms. The House isn't that clean but the joy of these windows is so great. Lord tell me..
Cleaning windows and opening up = Fresh aligning of my perspective to my Savior. I am rearranging my thoughts and my beliefs to that of what my Lord is saying about me and others. Acting as if the word of my lord is my one and only truth.
When I am upset at the dirtiness of the floors in my house, madly sweeping and complaining about the filth = I am looking inward. I am focused on the junk of my own failures. I am beating myself up for the filth that is just lying around being noticed and felt when walked upon it.
Dishes, when I am frantically collecting everyone's dishes and washing them = I am focused on the short comings of others. I am looking at the little things they do and leave in my way and it just gross and I would want to impose my request upon them to please clean that up.
Food = When I want to just love on people because I am feeling good and walking in the knowledge of The Lord's favor in my life.. I cook them food. I cook alot of food for as many ppl who want to eat. I create love on a plate.
Laundry, when I am feeling overwhelmed by laundry and complaining and hating the laundry = This is usually because I am struggling with the needs of others. I have not maintained a balance between serving and personal feeding. I am out weighed and need to take a moment .
Wow.
Lord I would of never thought of my daily stuff this way. I always thought my way of tackling the work here at home was nothing of value. ,, but now I can look at my current human feelings and truths to cut straight to the heart issue that can make that feeling align up with my Lord. I can cut to the chase and get some perspective. I am not sure if this type of writing really does anything but I do know that the conversation I am having with the lord is real and it is awesome because i love being able to write or type the words " I think I might be kinda cool. I really like who I am. " I have had so many struggles and if he can do for me what he has done , then he can do for you more than you could ever imagine. The Lord Jesus Christ is truly our Savior but He is our friend.
What Ever it is .. Don't give up Jesus. Let him in. He has a way of speaking.
