Engaging

   What does it mean to engage ? Life is happening all around me. I am still in my search for sleep. I lay there and do nothing . I lay there thinking of all the things that need to be done. I become more uncomfortable as the surroundings become disorganized and dirty. I have no energy , only worry. I have no motivation , just overwhelming desire to sit and watch dysfunctional people on reality tv. I am ready to toss up my hands and say forget it.
   Time is going by so fast. Kids are growing up. Parents are getting older. I want to slow down and stop wasting time. I want to be the best parent. I want to have meaningful relationships in my community. I want all these things yet I have none. What is it that I am missing. I feel like a stick shift in neatureal who being pushed around by my own weight. where are my gears ??
    I spent a long time in this cycle of mental defeat. I didn't have any real great near death experience this time. It simply got too loud.
 





                  Quiet has returned to me, time to go and engage in what is , my life.

                                   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ UpDate ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


 
As I go back and read some of the things I have written and never shared, I find myself thankful. I am thankful that the gift of writing has helped someone. The someone is me. I remember when the subject of writing surfaced back in a bible class at my church things were still kinda low for me. I was finally comfortable in my role as a wife and mother. Outside of that I really struggled to know who I was. The moment I would get free time it would be as if I would instantly want to do something unhealthy like eat out , smoke, drink, listen to hard core music. I really wrote the above piece in a moment where I didn't think about what i was writing, Iwas writing to release.

                                                                PRAISE GOD

It has been awhile since things have been that way. Upon the creation of Writer's Lounge writing has stayed a point of focus. I have changed so much . It 's been about a year or so and my life is completely different. I no longer find myself watching TV . I am living life from a different place. I am engaged. I find myself taking less pictures. I don't carry my cell phone everywhere I go. I am active with my kids..I have realized that my kids are really awesome people. I have invested time in several relationships with great people in my church,so I have friendship and fellowship all around me. I have been volunteering whenever I can at my church and my kids school. .   I am excercising. I am eating healthy . I am praying alot more. I am writing. I am witnessing people's beauty. Everything around me is alive. I can see my Lord's touch in all the things that entertain my attention. He is a genuis and his ideas are living and so are mine. I am not thinking anymore , I am doing. I have victory and for me the nudge was the writing. I share this with you today to share my gift of healing that has come through writing. I encourage you to find the time to appreciate your own writing. If your true to the reason your writing, then the words will always be true to you. Personalities are developed in a writer's touch and we begin to appreciate the identity of each other in a more intimate way. Sometimes we can begin to appreciate our own stories in a deep place. It is well with my soul.

She Found Radiance

There is a girl I know. Really she is not a girl but a full grown woman. She is soft in her effort to stand out yet she does stand out. She is little in her frame but when she speaks her voice carries a mightyness to it. She is soft spoken yet her poetry she reads is so full of things unexpected. She has been through the valley of rage yet her hands are gentle in all the things she does.
  The woman and me once had a chance to sit and have coffee. She shared with me her wants. She wants what we all want. Her desire is to find a time to shine. Don't we all desire this ? I know I do. There is so much inside of her that has been created to benefit other people other than herself. Yet she says to me  to not share what she has told. Out of respect I keep her desires to myself.
   Time was going by and each day she seemed to be getting smaller . Her face was slowly loosing it's fullness and her clothes began to wiggle more in the breeze than before. She had eyes as big as ripe fruit yet she had little say. I knew what she was walking through. She was fasting and seeking the Lord. She was going to the thrown to reconfirm what her desires were. She wanted God's direction not her own. She was so full of talent already. Yet she found the motivation I think we all need. She went to the thrown quietly . She didn't shout it fromt the roof tops. She was humble and on fire at the same time she found the courage to quiet herself. I could only watch in total awe of her desire to find God in a deeper place than ever before.
     This woman has changed my perception of going after something. She was a living example of humble at one of the Writer's Events I host at my home. She has been a member since the group was created. She shared incredible testimony of overcoming anger and rage in younger years. This testimony captivated me because to me in my eyes she was everything opposite of anger and rage. She had found the mountain top and had defeated such an emotional prison. Yet at this last event she remained so quiet. I couldn';t help but notice her the entire evening. I knew what she was going through. She was fasting but she was doing more than that. She was waiting for God . She kept taking deep gasping breaths of air , as she would hold them in I would silently pray . What was she gasping for ? I was concerned yet I knew she was alright. She was in the shadow of the king in a stronger way than any of us could comprehend. She was in total denial of herself in complete longing for more of Jesus. How could she have the ability to be so true to the denial of the human body in search of a greater reality? I couldn't understand yet, I was witnessing it. She was ministering to me without saying a word. I knew that when she came out this on the other side something great was going to happen. She was seeking harder than anyone ever before.
     A couple months later as I worked the coffee bar at my church she came around the corner. She was glowing. She was almost floating on the air as she walked. Her fullness had come back to her but the light shining out of her were like flashlights under her skin. She was nothing less than total Radiance. Her long journey of seeking had come to a place where she was now receiving and it continued to speak to me. Her smile was of complete joy. Her hands were happy as they did the job she so whole heartedly wanted to do. She is in her place without any doubt. No only did she know she wanted it, she took the time and put in 110% effort to seek the Lord and make sure her desires were of Him. Now not only did she find her radiance, she found it freely given to her through Christ and His mighty Spirit. She sought and she found her radiance and I am here writing about it because for me it was like watching a woman go from remembering her dead life to being reborn into a new life, Light and power. Thank you Amanda for being so transparent allowing me to see the courageous heart of a woman who was hungry for God. You found your radiance and I applaud you. I encourage you to feel confident in your steps because truly God is with you.

A Soliders Truth

The war, the war
it left them bleeding and scarred
the war took them away from home
they had no familiar belongings
except the feeling of longing
to just go home
if not, let me use the phone
a voice that is family
creates in  war  less tragedy

i am here to fight
people must die to make a point
i am her that delivers the body
that concludes the point
 some body must die
if we want to dismiss the lie
death paves a way to change
this concept is more than strange
why would to die be of utter importance
to leave the wave of effectiveness seems somewhat nieve
to leave what you have caused
just becuase of death and it's own laws

think about it
think about it deep
how many times you write
ill die for you without a thought
would you
really ??

Thank you to all the men and women who have served our country.

A Great Memory

    When the sun is perfectly adjusted itself to be just a warm kiss of light , that day always seems perfect. When the air is so gentle with it's coolness that wearing a tank and shorts is all you need. Days like this are so inviting and full of life.  Every where you go people are out. Families and young people all alike. The skies are so blue I wonder why aren't we all just standing still gazing up at it? The trees are green and full of abundance. Leaves whispering in the breeze while the birds flock to their porches. It seems so romantic how it all works together. The flow of nature. Beautiful mysterious power. WE are nature. Mysterious and beautiful, rich in love. I will pursue the goodness of God all the days of my life.To be at a place where my days flow . Goodness coming and going out of each day. Praising and worshiping in my heart all the day is long. To look for ways to love in abundance to those in need. What if my willing to help someone who's need might be just $10 and I have$20? I can be that example of the son adjusted itself to be just the warm kiss of friendship ... I was given a very refreshing weekend. I am pleased to say God was glorified this weekend. I am encouraged to be a ray of light this week and try to on purpose show love to another.

Dear Amber ~

It makes more sense to me these days. Jesus dying. At first the concept of a Holy God sending his only son (who in reality is another part of himself) to the death on a cross was foolish. . My first perception of this story was that only reason he came and died is because he wanted to experience what he had already sentenced his creation too. Boy was this perception false.  My thoughts have evolved and I still think I don't fully grasp it, but I think it is coming. The true revelation.

What scares me about end world secenrios that involve public panic and slaughtering of each other is that i know how much i love my kids. If I had too, I would kill yours in order to feed mine. I am woman with slight tolerance for blood, but if I had to kill to protect my own I would.  It scares to think about what you the cruel , blood loving people out there whould do.

 His only Son. We sing it. We claim it. But for reals think about it. Would  you love something enough to sacrifice your son to help it ? My son, when he holds my hand and says " Mommy, you the best Mommy in the whole world" , I get tingles in my insides. My heart actually flutters and i think  i produce serotonin. My son when he even acts like he is hurt I turn into my beast mode. I do whatever it takes to get him better. If there is a  long line, I pray it fast. Dr.s won't see us, I stay on the phone until i hear yes. Whatever it takes.

My son I love the most. It's to easy to just read that God sacrificed his only son. Think about it ?.. Do you have a son, if not try to imagine. What in this world would mean that much to you that you would lay your son down on a cross. Insides hanging out.Graphic yes. My words aren't even coming close to the graphic part of how Jesus Died./ . He suffered. He was beaten and bruised. All while thinking of us.

One day i had eyes awakened. I saw humanity. I saw it in myself. The natural desire to dysfunction and be of evilness. Growing up feeling the call of lust. I was taught by those who were in my enviroment  that sex is what i am and boose is what i drink. At the raw age of only 17 I had vodka bottles given to me by neighbors and friends of my parents. What ?? Ya , I am sure you get the direction of that story!!

Human kind is perverted by a lack of spiritual awareness, discipline, and hormones that are unchecked. REal conversations have yet to take place. Growing up the things boys did to my body i thought was a gift from them to me. Totally wrong. What my body shared and gave away was me, and the creation I am. I was the gift. I was the prize. I could of had it alone , without them. In all my femine beauty , the woman part of me is the prize. To receive it, you must love the human me.. the soul me.. the part of me that has no flesh..

I see the rawness of human kind. The people whom only see themselves. the selfish lookers, believers and religious folk.

God had to do something extreme to forgive us in our dirty ways.  Man kind has pushed the envelope pass normal sin. WE have perverted almost every thing under the sun. WE have news reports of boys raping dogs, Mom's microwaving their babies and Pastors killing themselves. We are in 2014, where no one is wrong, and there is  no  right. To judge politically is cursed but to hate based on judgment is allowed. How could a holy God look down upon this mess and say He remembers our sin no more ? We are a sick, perverted culture fueled by sex and drugs and liquor. Abuse is more common than anniversaries of any kind. Poverty fuels our government. Where is God ?? I think if God were to judge the world we wouldn't be here. He is patient , He is kind. We are in a period of Mercy and grace. For what He  did ,we should consider  "how did we get so lucky?" I know this... God was serious the day he decided to save Man Kind. The Moment he created His Son with the destiny to Die for us and make all things new,, You and I got lucky. We were Blessed. WE were renewed. Because if God feels anything about his son as I do mine, then no joke we are somebody !!!!! No sin is larger than the cross. The cross can not , will not be defeated !! Condemnation is of the enemy. If you use guilt , you use sin to do nothing, but cause more sin...

Grace is here.... Stop it with the judging. The whispering, the s niggles .. It is so unnecessary. If you wish to lead then do it by loving, being graceful in your ability to look above the sin. If someone in the church is out of line and out of touch with the truth , you should be some where near him if you are true to the duty of what you claim... Come on now... Jesus Died! God's only son. What he left in Heaven  to come face for you and me, we will never understand.Maybe just for a moment we should stop trying. Just go home and picture your son and his insides hanging out while nailed on a cross. Can you imagine the passion you must have for someone else besides your son, in order  to sacrafice your son ?? We are that passion in the eye of God. How could we need anything more than that to over come ?  Stop and taste the blood of the sacrifice in a mental theater .. See how important your are ?? Do you not grasp the new thing being done?   Isaiah 43:19 See, I am doing a new thing!
    Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
    and streams in the wasteland.

Do we not perceive it ??  Can you please grasp onto the reality of Jesus dying ,in order for your flesh man to respond to the spared punishment ? He died. He died for you. 

You can do all things through him who saved you. Join the victory party and cast down the demons who haunt you ?? This world is jacked up and we know it is because it took God's only son to die to redeem it. But because of this truth we can fly , soar, live above the curse and be of Heaven quality. Save yourself for marriage. Value yourself according to the value Christ saw when he laid down on a cross. You are somebody !!!!!! you have extreme worth. You are beautiful and devine. Your talents soar pass your faults. Your wisdom is like age , it comes slowly. Experience is your joy . Experience life. Embrace it. From good to bad and back from worse, nothing can destroy you as long as you realize your worth. God had to give up his son to equal your worth, in order to save you ! You are worthy of Jesus' life! Think about that next time a boy wants to use you , or friends speak of you badly.

We are the prize. We are the living creation with a God given right to experience. Once you know the difference between good and bad vow to do good. Share what creates good. 

RANTINGS OF MY MIND

There is a drive ,,, driving me to the bottom
There is a desire ,,,, keeping me from the bottom

My drive is opposite of my desire...
My drive is of disaster.
My desire is of heaven


since when did i become backwards
everything about me is opposite
my life is grey
not black
not white
but grey
i live inside the blurred lines
of not spoken or unseen
i am the invisible person of suffering

i do it a quiet
i do it without much effort
i am miserable
i am lost

WAIT....


i am not lost
i have been found

i am suffering in the longing of my flesh

the spirit of who i am
is soaring
high above
the consciousness of my skin
i am living only within
i die  slow
i am needing a convert
to help
my hands find the path
to the place my heart rest

i am a child
who was told
not all people
were meant to be saved
they told me this
as they let me go
in the abyss
of rape and molestation
and now its back again
telling me
i am not worthy to be saved
it is a lie
its a lie
the devil is grinning
while my soul is longing
someone show my skin
the truth that my heart holds within

i am lost
i am un worthy to be found
some people were  meant for misery
thats what they said all around

i am not she who you speak of
i am a child of God
i will not accept your lies
even though my skin despise
who i am on the inside

i will not settle for this day
i will escape it some way
my friends are my family
through Christ it is so
i reach to them
and their prayers help me grow
pass you and this day of lies
pass this day of miserable ,,, let it die

i am alive
you can't stop me
i am on top
you are on the bottom
i am alive
you are doomed and a lie
i dont beleive you anymore
go away and die
oh wait you are that what the story says
in the end
im alive
and devil
you are the one
dead