I Am About To Spew

( Introduction to this post~ I wrote this about 6 months ago, just now ready to release it)    I am about to spew onto this page the back up of spiritual vomit I have been collecting. Fear has ruined many days . I have spent many days in panic over things that people say and the things articles tell. I have been somewhat of a internet resident and many things on the internet can produce fear in my life. I battle fear as if it's the chick down the street (who presently is on my last nerve). Somethings and some people both try to over come me and it is easier to chase away a thief than it is fear. I can sabatoge myself hard and I am in a time of mourning because I did it again. I allowed what if to be bigger than what is. I vomit upon the empty page my failure so that God and it can take it away and it can be replaced once again with new perspective.
     I moved here to PA motivated . My personal well being was my first priority and I was doing the things that started to show in my appearance. My skin starting really brightening and I could tell the weight was coming off. I was energetic and had self control at the table . Allowing myself to spend too much time in the presence of those entertaining sin and wrong thinking did more harm to me than it did good for them. I slowly lost my focus and became involved with the theories of others rather the truth in my Word and I let fear knock at my door. Next thing you know I am back at watching those internet videos about end world scenerios and such. I was watching videos on sudden weight loss could indicate you have cancer. That was it. I was dooped into a downward spiral of fear and self sabatoge at that very moment I questioned my weight loss as indication of disease and death instead of victory and triumph.
   How pathetic is this ? I ask myself like , wow really ? What a moment of complete fear,  I allowed my own thoughts  to destroy what God was giving me. UUUUggghhhh !
    It was a little difficult to come back to a place of complete surrender not because I am angry at God but I feel like it was would be easier to just be angry at him instead of come clean and admit in my soul how truly this shouldn't of happened because I knew better. I was aware of the chance Iwas taking when I decided to entertain undivine friendship with its hopes to deposit instead of inherit. I should always follow the direction of the holy Spirit because when I do things on my own I mess up hard.
     Time to refocus and get back on my daily routine of taking my health seriously. My health is connected to whom i choose to let into my circle. I must stay focused on Him or else I can not function. I am to eager  to jump on any emotional ban wagon is it is offered. I am so over the traveling through emotional moutains. I want it no longer.
   So as I find myself once again  comfortable in my dysfunction rather than my victory, I mustard up the courage to encourage myself to rebuke the fear and stay clear from all sources of it. Not all written articles are designed to be read by the believer and I acknowledge this completely. The only information  I want going into my head is the knowledge and wisdom of God. I am completely eager to love on the ugliest of people. The ugly is what I am familiar with. Problem is God is leading me pass familiar and into unknown. I am scared because of the glare of glory shining in my face. Can I arise pass the equation that was designed to make me hate myself. Yes , Yes I can.. Yes I am.