Me finding my frame once again.

Life has changed for me. I like the changes. I am not completely perfect, but I do know that perfection happens upon completion and for me I am not yet complete. I wont be until God has called me home. I used to struggle with the concept of death but recently I have come to a place where my struggle has been more with living than dying. I want to live the loudest I can. I have been limiting myself. I am surprised at how much I deny myself because deep down inside I feel like I should be contiously punished. I totally don't understand myself . I am so loving and caring towards others but so mean to myself. This used to be my truth but no longer. I love who I have become in Christ. I am not ashamed of the fact that I am blessed. I want to once again reveal my beauty in my frame. This used to scare me. I used to find comfort in my weight. I didn't have to worry about the temptation of flesh because no one wanted me. I don't like me in the over weight view. I am so fashionable that my when my weight chooses the outfit instead of me I get angry and depressed. I am tired of hiding behind angry and depressed. I feel the beauty of God and His image of me inside,,, I want so desperately the discipline to let it shine inwardly and outwardly. 'when I was young and so attractive I was seduced by every pervert in town. I don't hold myself accountable for the encounters. I was a child who was abused and led astray without a voice of reason or wisdom in my life. I was a victim then. my youth and beauty were the line and bait for every sicko on earth.. no one told me or talked to me. Things have changed. I have been schooled by my savior. I want my beauty back so that I can wear it differently this time. I don't have to hide behind my weight anymore. I am mature enough to walk around in my frame and resist the evil howls from the young perverts. I can handle it now I believe. I want my frame back. I want to show the world my fashion without revealing my depression. I want my frame back. I want to wake up and feel the slender in my waist and the giant in my spirit. In my struggle to overcome I lost myself physically. My soul is whole. For me it is time to find my frame again.

My Best Friend ~

God the father
God the son
God the spirit

First moment of aw for me is how your 3
3 in 1 yet Jesus was the one to come

As he leaves your spirit comes and relieves
the ache of his place, his spirit covers all space

God is Holy and to be worshiped
I laid my head in the water on purpose
as an act of worship to the highest of my Lord
God the father, I truly adore

Something about the Jesus I read in the book
that made me change the way i see , mostly the way i look
See the world through his eyes , perception changed , we don't really die
We come to life in his blood, all the dead being  unsaid and undone
His words are living water, making us sons and daughters

For me it is simple you see
His Spirit is truly apart of me, I can feel him freely.
His comfort is at my beck and call as if Im so important he misses nothing at all
A little kinda crazy he makes me feel when I see him loving on me in my ugly real

I think to myself, i didn't even pray about this yet you know what i felt
his so gentle with me ,he makes my heart melt
my feet get weak, my tears get heavy in value as i release to you my marrow
of whats in the creep of my deepest deep.

 im scared there.

your my friend. I can't find anything wrong to say to you, no matter what you stay true
i wake up and your by my side, even though i doubted you when i cried
i wasn't sure if you were even real, my pain was  such a big deal
if that was me i would of been mad but for you it just made you sad

you never want to limit your love , limit your power
But i put up these silly little towers
but my friend is more loyal than any other
he doesn't knock down my walls, we do it together

Sometimes i can feel his spirit actually hugging me, it usually involves a breeze, grass and a tree
Best friend without a prayer, even if i don';t talk , your there
Holy Spirit you never stay away, some of places i have taken you~

You send me love, and speak so clearly, i have become so in love ~dearly
i can't stop thinking of you and what your about to do

so subtle that you live your Glory through your people
so strong you can't deny your our God
you have created for us a living thought of existence in who you are
you made us shiny and then gave us the stars

The nature of things all around will respond to my ups and downs
for i have the life force to create even when I am in my mistakes

so i take my breath a little more serious and begin to live more curious
about the things of You. Speaking up and doing what it really takes to get through

Sparing no real truth because i am now  afraid of the who of who i was once was

Holy Spirit, my Best Friend
I love you. I have found peace in you.

I have enjoyed our days together.
 I have enjoyed your version of the weather.

 You make me laugh with how you can talk to me in a chicken or a giraffe. So to say,

 You have showed up in some really neat ways and brighten many many days.
 I am so glad that i have you.
I can't imagine life with out you

The little parts that i know to be true
are just a glimpse of the true you

so much more yet still to come
i love the joy you have put in me
i love the freedom of how i see
i am me and you I AM
together we are the story you created
Be as of me
and live in my plan

We are a team, you being the reason why i win
that's the joy of your love
despite what comes out of me
God is there cleansing me free through the Blood
I love my Best Friend

Devil Tried to Make Fun of Me

    Recently I have been getting alot of buzz around town so to say. Friends of mine telling me how they are running into people from our church and some from other churches who have asked about me or mentioned my name in some sort of way. This one particular story kinda was working at me from the inside. It was shared with me and now slowly it was trying to penetrate my heart and my spirit and bring feelings of rejection, embarrassment, shame. I had to consciously sit down and rework my thought process in order to not let it continue laughing at me. Someone who knows me for my testimony made some silly remarks about how everyone knows me and my testimony. They hinted around as if they wanted to dig deeper into the smug undertone but the girl who they were speaking to is a dear friend of mine. She shut that down immediatly. It hurt my feelings that someone would take my testimony and make fun of me . They would knock down my effort to Glorify the same God she says she loves. Then it started eating at me , maybe i do sound like a fool. Maybe my testimony really does just make me look bad. Maybe my testimony isn't really about God but about tearing myself down. I had to stop. I had to refocus. I decided to walk away from the entire thing with the conclusion that if what I am known for is my testimony then Praise God. When I get to heaven Jesus will say good job Julie. I was a dramatic rescue from sin. The depths of sin that I was sinking in called for some of Jesus' supernatural stuff to save me. And boy did he. I still can remember so many different supernatural events that I have seen in my life. These precious moments of time where the reality of Jesus and Heaven existed right here in my physical life. The Lord used this woman to speak over my life one day a few years back about how my testimony would be known by many and that i was called to share my story and that everything i have ever went through was training.

    Back in the younger years when pagers were the popular thing I had successfully created a language using numbers to use with my crew. Even though I no longer use pagers or the numbers with anyone the Lord has begun to use my number language to communicate with me. He knows what those numbers mean to me. In fact I have always always loved the number 7-God's number. In fact he allowed Tony and I to meet and be married on 07-07-07 at 7pm on the 7th day of the week. 381 is a very important number. It means I love you. Three words, eight letters , one meaning. Often times as I read scripture some of the most life changing ones have the numbers 381 in them some how some way. It is our love language.

  I have a friend at church who touched my heart when speaking of the Break Through Center on Sunday morning as I was working the info desk. I feeling kinda down about the above referenced conversation about me and my testimony, so I decided that I would just finally go. After hearing about this place for so long it is time for me to go. So I did. I followed my friend over and spent the morning. Needless to say I was touched at the heart of the people who are running this . Very passionate about giving. The heart of Jesus is alive and well. As I settled and watched the people coming in I pondered in my mind who they were and what was thier story . I stayed kinda quiet not sure of how to fit in. I was just taking in the whole picture so that I can learn the ropes. I plan on going back as much as I can. To serve. After a while the group of people were called for devotional. All the people sitting around sipping coffee and eating donuts and fruit were in a circle. The lady who led the devotional was very sweet. She prayed and asked Holy spirit to take lead, and boy did he ever. She had two books to read from . She read aloud the devotionals of some very good books. She then began to share how the Lord had given her a word for that particular moment and that she knew clear as day the word was " testimony".  My heart jumped from my chest. I knew why I was there. That was the Lord speaking to my heart saying yes your testimony is needed. In this place it will have the annoiting to speak right into the hearts that were there. My testimony is not about me but about my God. I finally realized it was the devil trying to make fun of me about my testimony so that I would stop sharing it. No !! But God can take my shame and turn it into His Glory because look at me now. Look at me now. I am a successful woman of God. Every need met, every good thing in my life as he has promised us all. I have no indication of my past written on my face. He has taken years off my soul through the redeeming of time. He redeemed my name sake.
 
   When it was time for me to leave  I didn't want to go. I quietly slipped out the door as the people stopped to sit back out in the coffee shop area to have lunch. I was on my way home to get Tony up for work and cook him breakfast and fix his lunch and dinner for the day. As I got in my car my heart was still kinda racing. I knew I had just experienced a divine appoointment. I can't say for sure who but that testimony was meant for someone in that room. That the words spoken out of my mouth about what God has done for me spoke directly into the life of someone who is where I used to be. I was so tense with excitment. Then in one swoop the Lord reached down from the heavens and a peach colored fancy  pretty car pulled in front of me and the license plate read this (i dont remember the letters) 3 letters and the the fours numbers ~ 7381

  I gasped in the air and rolled my eyes to the skies and said I love you too Jesus !!! He made sure he let me know that what just happened was a God moment and he was proud of me for telling my truth. I wrote this piece as an altar. So I will always remember.

Engaging

   What does it mean to engage ? Life is happening all around me. I am still in my search for sleep. I lay there and do nothing . I lay there thinking of all the things that need to be done. I become more uncomfortable as the surroundings become disorganized and dirty. I have no energy , only worry. I have no motivation , just overwhelming desire to sit and watch dysfunctional people on reality tv. I am ready to toss up my hands and say forget it.
   Time is going by so fast. Kids are growing up. Parents are getting older. I want to slow down and stop wasting time. I want to be the best parent. I want to have meaningful relationships in my community. I want all these things yet I have none. What is it that I am missing. I feel like a stick shift in neatureal who being pushed around by my own weight. where are my gears ??
    I spent a long time in this cycle of mental defeat. I didn't have any real great near death experience this time. It simply got too loud.
 





                  Quiet has returned to me, time to go and engage in what is , my life.

                                   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ UpDate ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


 
As I go back and read some of the things I have written and never shared, I find myself thankful. I am thankful that the gift of writing has helped someone. The someone is me. I remember when the subject of writing surfaced back in a bible class at my church things were still kinda low for me. I was finally comfortable in my role as a wife and mother. Outside of that I really struggled to know who I was. The moment I would get free time it would be as if I would instantly want to do something unhealthy like eat out , smoke, drink, listen to hard core music. I really wrote the above piece in a moment where I didn't think about what i was writing, Iwas writing to release.

                                                                PRAISE GOD

It has been awhile since things have been that way. Upon the creation of Writer's Lounge writing has stayed a point of focus. I have changed so much . It 's been about a year or so and my life is completely different. I no longer find myself watching TV . I am living life from a different place. I am engaged. I find myself taking less pictures. I don't carry my cell phone everywhere I go. I am active with my kids..I have realized that my kids are really awesome people. I have invested time in several relationships with great people in my church,so I have friendship and fellowship all around me. I have been volunteering whenever I can at my church and my kids school. .   I am excercising. I am eating healthy . I am praying alot more. I am writing. I am witnessing people's beauty. Everything around me is alive. I can see my Lord's touch in all the things that entertain my attention. He is a genuis and his ideas are living and so are mine. I am not thinking anymore , I am doing. I have victory and for me the nudge was the writing. I share this with you today to share my gift of healing that has come through writing. I encourage you to find the time to appreciate your own writing. If your true to the reason your writing, then the words will always be true to you. Personalities are developed in a writer's touch and we begin to appreciate the identity of each other in a more intimate way. Sometimes we can begin to appreciate our own stories in a deep place. It is well with my soul.

She Found Radiance

There is a girl I know. Really she is not a girl but a full grown woman. She is soft in her effort to stand out yet she does stand out. She is little in her frame but when she speaks her voice carries a mightyness to it. She is soft spoken yet her poetry she reads is so full of things unexpected. She has been through the valley of rage yet her hands are gentle in all the things she does.
  The woman and me once had a chance to sit and have coffee. She shared with me her wants. She wants what we all want. Her desire is to find a time to shine. Don't we all desire this ? I know I do. There is so much inside of her that has been created to benefit other people other than herself. Yet she says to me  to not share what she has told. Out of respect I keep her desires to myself.
   Time was going by and each day she seemed to be getting smaller . Her face was slowly loosing it's fullness and her clothes began to wiggle more in the breeze than before. She had eyes as big as ripe fruit yet she had little say. I knew what she was walking through. She was fasting and seeking the Lord. She was going to the thrown to reconfirm what her desires were. She wanted God's direction not her own. She was so full of talent already. Yet she found the motivation I think we all need. She went to the thrown quietly . She didn't shout it fromt the roof tops. She was humble and on fire at the same time she found the courage to quiet herself. I could only watch in total awe of her desire to find God in a deeper place than ever before.
     This woman has changed my perception of going after something. She was a living example of humble at one of the Writer's Events I host at my home. She has been a member since the group was created. She shared incredible testimony of overcoming anger and rage in younger years. This testimony captivated me because to me in my eyes she was everything opposite of anger and rage. She had found the mountain top and had defeated such an emotional prison. Yet at this last event she remained so quiet. I couldn';t help but notice her the entire evening. I knew what she was going through. She was fasting but she was doing more than that. She was waiting for God . She kept taking deep gasping breaths of air , as she would hold them in I would silently pray . What was she gasping for ? I was concerned yet I knew she was alright. She was in the shadow of the king in a stronger way than any of us could comprehend. She was in total denial of herself in complete longing for more of Jesus. How could she have the ability to be so true to the denial of the human body in search of a greater reality? I couldn't understand yet, I was witnessing it. She was ministering to me without saying a word. I knew that when she came out this on the other side something great was going to happen. She was seeking harder than anyone ever before.
     A couple months later as I worked the coffee bar at my church she came around the corner. She was glowing. She was almost floating on the air as she walked. Her fullness had come back to her but the light shining out of her were like flashlights under her skin. She was nothing less than total Radiance. Her long journey of seeking had come to a place where she was now receiving and it continued to speak to me. Her smile was of complete joy. Her hands were happy as they did the job she so whole heartedly wanted to do. She is in her place without any doubt. No only did she know she wanted it, she took the time and put in 110% effort to seek the Lord and make sure her desires were of Him. Now not only did she find her radiance, she found it freely given to her through Christ and His mighty Spirit. She sought and she found her radiance and I am here writing about it because for me it was like watching a woman go from remembering her dead life to being reborn into a new life, Light and power. Thank you Amanda for being so transparent allowing me to see the courageous heart of a woman who was hungry for God. You found your radiance and I applaud you. I encourage you to feel confident in your steps because truly God is with you.

A Soliders Truth

The war, the war
it left them bleeding and scarred
the war took them away from home
they had no familiar belongings
except the feeling of longing
to just go home
if not, let me use the phone
a voice that is family
creates in  war  less tragedy

i am here to fight
people must die to make a point
i am her that delivers the body
that concludes the point
 some body must die
if we want to dismiss the lie
death paves a way to change
this concept is more than strange
why would to die be of utter importance
to leave the wave of effectiveness seems somewhat nieve
to leave what you have caused
just becuase of death and it's own laws

think about it
think about it deep
how many times you write
ill die for you without a thought
would you
really ??

Thank you to all the men and women who have served our country.

A Great Memory

    When the sun is perfectly adjusted itself to be just a warm kiss of light , that day always seems perfect. When the air is so gentle with it's coolness that wearing a tank and shorts is all you need. Days like this are so inviting and full of life.  Every where you go people are out. Families and young people all alike. The skies are so blue I wonder why aren't we all just standing still gazing up at it? The trees are green and full of abundance. Leaves whispering in the breeze while the birds flock to their porches. It seems so romantic how it all works together. The flow of nature. Beautiful mysterious power. WE are nature. Mysterious and beautiful, rich in love. I will pursue the goodness of God all the days of my life.To be at a place where my days flow . Goodness coming and going out of each day. Praising and worshiping in my heart all the day is long. To look for ways to love in abundance to those in need. What if my willing to help someone who's need might be just $10 and I have$20? I can be that example of the son adjusted itself to be just the warm kiss of friendship ... I was given a very refreshing weekend. I am pleased to say God was glorified this weekend. I am encouraged to be a ray of light this week and try to on purpose show love to another.